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15 Traits of the Ideal Reader

By Ronald Huereca on May 27, 2007.

The following are what some bloggers consider the ideal reader. This list is intended as a satirical take on the ideal reader and does not reflect my views at all.

The ideal reader…

1. Must be Gullible

The reader must be able to be tricked into performing tasks that I see fit. Anything I tell the reader, he or she is to believe.

2. Must be Manipulatable

I want the reader to perform the actions I see fit for the best interest of my blog. I want to guilt-trip my reader into commenting, flaming other blogs, or clicking on ads.

3. Clicks on All Ads

I want you to go through my header, sidebars, and footer and click every ad they see. While you are at it, click on the donate buttons and drop me a buck or two. I could use a beer.

4. Pays to Have No-Follow Links Removed

I am a big fan of the do-follow movement. However, I only choose to follow it if you give me so much cash a month to remove it.

5. Must Enjoy Partial Feeds

I want users to click on my ads and see my groovy design. The reader shouldn’t care whether I have full content or partial feeds.

6. Must Comment on Any Post Without Hopes of Recognition

You want to get noticed here? Go somewhere else. I don’t have time to answer your comments. In fact, you should be happy I even have comments enabled.

7. Must NEVER E-mail in Questions or Comments

You get no support here buddy. I don’t even have the courtesy of an auto-reply on purpose. An auto-reply might give the impression that I actually care.

8. Must Never Disagree

See number 6. Not only do I have comments enabled (and allow you to pay money to remove your no-follow tag), but now you want to disagree with me? Get out of here already.

9. Must Love Pop-Up or Questionable Ads

I don’t care if you’re at work surfing the net. I’m going to put whatever ads I want on my site (no matter how derogatory), and send you to pop-up hell.

10. Must Love Being Talked Down Too

Let’s face it: I am the blog king and you are not. You are just a reader. You know nothing. I know everything. And you like it.

11. Must Like Promises Not Being Fulfilled

I promised you last week I’d follow-up with a post or comment? C’mon! That was last week. You actually expected me to follow through? Get over it man.

12. Must Like Ads Covering Up the Content

Did you check out my new flash ad I have when you first come to my site? It’s awesome isn’t it? You clicked on it right?

13. Must Like “Thank You Sponsor” Posts

I post these “thank you sponsor” posts at least once a month. I expect you to click on each and every single one of those sponsor links.

14. Must Participate in All My Group Projects

I just have to announce a group project and sit back and watch the entries and links come in. This is the life!

15. Must Digg and Stumble every post.

I need to get the word out on my posts. You as a reader are obligated to promote my content!

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this satirical post about an ideal reader. Obviously if a blogger treated a reader like this, the reader would be gone. Or, at least I would hope so.

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