Absolute Guide to Losing Readers
It seems there are how-to guides on just about everything on the Internet. There are many such guides on how to gain visitors and build community. However, this how-to guide will give you tips on how to destroy your readership.
Using a combination (or all) of the tips below, I can almost guarantee that your readership will dwindle and die (or at least drop a good bit).
Are you ready to lose some readers? Good. Let’s get started.
Call Them Names
So a reader (let’s call him John) left a comment saying your article was rubbish:
Dear John:
The last comment you left was pathetic. You have no basis for existence on this planet and I hope you are soon eradicated.For any readers who agreed with John, I hope you also receive the same fate.
Not only is John being alienated (and similar minded readers), but you’ll also send out the message that you are not to be trifled with. After all, you are the blogging King (or Queen).
Require a Registration to Comment
A reader trying to comment sent in this e-mail:
Dear blogger:
I was trying to leave a comment and it required me to register. There are way too many blogs out there and it is an inconvenience to me to have to register and remember yet another password and username.Thanks,
Your loyal reader.
And the response…
Dear loyal reader:
Get over yourself. I require registrations so I don’t hear from stupid readers like you. I should require a registration to just use my contact form so I wouldn’t have to type out yet another e-mail explaining my decision. If you don’t like registering, then don’t comment.
Turn Off Comments With No Feedback Mechanism
Some bloggers love having comments on and love receiving feedback from their readers. But not this blogger:
Readers never have anything important to say. And I don’t want their comments to affect my writing. So comments are off, and so is e-mailing me their opinion on a topic.
Take Readers for Granted
Readers come and go. It’s a fact of life. So face the facts.
A reader e-mailed me saying they unsubscribed from my feed. I e-mailed them back and said, “Good riddance.”
Have Partial Feeds and (bonus) Advertise in Them
It is widely known around the web that readers absolutely love partial feeds. It is also widely known that readers like clicking on ads to generate revenue for the blogger.
So take it from me… Disable full feeds. Readers don’t like them anyway. And to make that revenue, display advertisements above and below the partial-feed content.
Never Respond to Comments
A reader has just left a comment. What to do? Well, my suggestion is to set up an automatic e-mail rule that pushes the “comment e-mails” directly into the trash.
I don’t care what the reader has to say. So why would I even bother replying to a comment?
Fill Their Feed Reader With Non-Sense
Here is the ideal junk posting schedule for the masses:
- Monday: Link love.
- Tuesday: Delicious and Twitter digests.
- Wednesday: More link love.
- Thursday: Post about how busy I am.
- Friday: A post about not posting.
- Saturday: Post about child and cat.
- Sunday: Yet more link love.
Scam (or lie to) Your Readers
Dear readers:
I have announced the winner to my contest. It is someone I have made up, and if you dig around deep enough, it will be obvious I never intended to give a prize away. I just wanted links, visits, and ad revenue. Can you blame me?
Become an Arrogant Ass
Take some tips from this blogger on how to be arrogant:
I am way too important for any of my readers. You may get an e-mail back from me if you’re lucky.
In fact, I’ll go one step further. I think that readers should have to pay to speak to me. My going rate is eighty dollars an hour, and I take Paypal. So if it’s that important, pay up.
Ads, Ads, and More Ads
I believe in the 80/20 rule. Eighty-percent of the website should be devoted to some form of advertisement with twenty percent being the content.
Readers absolutely love paid reviews and ads. In fact, my readers are the ones that ask me to review the products.
I also sprinkle my affiliate links everywhere. I don’t disclose because otherwise the readers won’t click on them.
Have Absolutely No Transparency
Transparency is so Web 1.0. Readers don’t care about it, so why should you? To get rid of any transparency, do the following:
- Remove your “About” page.
- Remove any pictures of yourself.
- Remove all contact links and spoof your snail mail address on your website registration.
- Do not disclose professional affiliations.
- Do not disclose paid reviews or product recommendations.
- Remove the comment form.
- Use a pseudonym.
Conclusion
By following the above tips, I can guarantee a loss in readership. There is a possibility I left out some tips (this isn’t the “Complete” guide, just “Absolute”), so please feel free to leave some in the comments section (gasp, comments are enabled). For those anxious about leaving comments, fear not. I’ll do my best to not respond.
Disclosure message (readers don’t care about these): Part of DailyBlogTips Tutorials group writing project.
inspirationbit says...
You should’ve titled it an Absolute Guide for Dummies to Losing Readers
How about posting on the same topic that hundreds of other blogs are talking that same day - like the super thin new MacBook? Oh, wait, that won’t help you to get rid off your users - even the prominent bloggers are doing the same and their readership only increases.
Ronald Huereca says...
I had “dummies” in the title at first, but decided to keep it short.
Tejvan says...
Very good article. Although at times I might be guilty of 1 or 2 of them
Bilingual Blogger says...
Clever take on a sore subject. The ad deluge on some blogs kills me. I really wonder who their audience is.
Sucker says...
According to this my blog would probably get an F for reader appreciation! Hehe
Amberlynn says...
Thank you for this post. I was laughing the whole time, and it’s very refreshing to read from the other side of all those popular “increase your readership” articles. Well done! You’re getting a vote from me on the DBT Blog Writing Project.
Ronald Huereca says...
Thank you all for the comments.
@Tejvan, Of course we’ll all be guilty of one or two of these from time to time.
@Bilingual Blogger: ¿Hablas español? Estoy aprendiendo y buscando blogs buenos.
@Sucker, The path to improvement is realizing you’re on the wrong path
@Amberlynn, Thanks for the vote and your compliments.
Linda R. Moore says...
What a hoot! Thank you for this.
And I note you reply to commenters too–great stuff!
Ronald Huereca says...
@Linda,
Shame on me, right? Of all posts, this is one to not reply
Jacob Cass says...
Haha, I like these posts
Good job.
Mehmet says...
Great and funny post Ronald. You have unique ideas about losing readers
Beth says...
Great anti-how-to
That made me smile.
Bes says...
Very interesting. About the “Fill Their Feed Reader With Non-Sense”, many people may consider those topics important, so it becomes a perspective of what one wants to talk about and what one values, the same way many people may consider my site or yours or this very site to have crappy or boring topics. Each person has their own favorites and dislikings, so when it comes to actual topics and not the way how people are treated, it becomes more of what the other person is thinking also and how they can think differently than us, even if it is a topic we may consider to be of no value to anything in the universe.
Bes says...
Hi again. I have to add one more ["exception-type"] thing: after having stalkers follow me from the offline world to the online world, the “Have Absolutely No Transparency” can also usually be very justified. I am not obligated to have any of those, and if I lose readers because I value my safety, then that means I have decided I value my offline safety more than my readers.
A real good example of this is Spoken-for.org; if she gave her address or more transparency info online, she would probably have many morons driving up and down her house or area multiple times a day looking for her within 24 hours of her putting any more of the information you listed. She is not one of the few exceptions; thousands of personal say thins that others do not like and they value their safety a lot.
Basically, just because me or you or some other commentor here does something does not make it right.
I think I’ll make an extra post soon outlying the exceptions to what you are saying, or outlying how what you are saying can be exceptions to what should be the norm, or something along those lines.
Don says...
i just followed the link from daily tips that said you won the contest so congratz
Adding on Bes’s point i agree the transparency is some situations is good but in others your own safety is paramount; the no 1 reason for transparency in my opinion is there for industry leaders etc or critics so they can build a name but this is also possible i feel with pseudo-names though possibly harder to do.
Great and enjoyable article
Ronald Huereca says...
Hey, thank you all who voted for me on Daily Blog Tips. I am really honored you all liked this post.
Mike says...
I liked the humour and sarcasm in your post. And I’m sure most of us might be found guilty on some of the cases, especially the one about answering the comments people left on your blog. And it’s not because of ill intentions, but because of time lack
SEO Love says...
“Require a Registration to Comment” is a classic!
Nothing could make me laugh louder
Rob O. says...
You can absolutely value your privacy and safeguard against stalkers, predators, et al and still avoid the “No Transparency” problem. At a bare minimum, respect your readers enough to give them a way to privately contact you!
Just this evening I had to track down an email address via WHOIS to try to submit a blog topic suggestion. It just happens that the blog in question is one that I really like or I would’ve probably long since just given up when I couldn’t find any means of contacting the author on the site.
In my case, I actually give my readers the option to send me a standard email (via a MAILTO link) or use an online contact form to send me a comment. Either way, my readers have a means of conveying a question or suggestion to me without having to resort to simply posting a comment publicly for all to see.
Ronald Huereca says...
@Rob O.:
Wow, what you went through is a good example of someone making it really difficult to contact. Thanks for sharing.